It is 3 am now and I can't sleep which pretty much explain why I wrote this gibberish. Maybe I'll delete it when my conscience has returned or maybe I won't. My mind seems to be thinking a lot lately. Well, not that they don't think before, it's just that they're pretty much occupied with thoughts these few days. Some are just random, some are too personal to share and some are just nonsense. Things like how I just realized that the whole economic slowdown has affected me a lot more than I think it should, in terms of economically and emotionally. Or things like I'm turning 26 in a couple of months and still couldn't get a job.
There are times when I feel like losing hope and giving up on everything. I admit that it is hard being optimistic and positive when you don't really know what your chances are. There are countless times when I had surrendered, broke down and wept. Devastated, a bit harsh but yes that's the right word to my current situation. There also times when I, deep down in my heart, believed that Allah will answered and granted my prayers and that what I prayed for is somewhere out there. Like what H told me a couple of weeks ago, maybe the time has not come yet. It is there, still waiting for me and eventually will be mine if I just try and pray harder.
And yes my dear, as far as I am concern, I've tried my best. Many times. Countless perhaps. Maybe my du'a has not yet been answered. Maybe He wants to test my patience, for I always am the impatient one. Maybe this is an act of punishment for me. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
I am however still waiting and be more patient. I am glad that whenever I feel like losing hope again, I know that I've a shoulder (who's a call away) to cry on. And for that alone I am grateful, very.