Bila baca balik entri-entri lama, I couldn't believe that some of those entries were written by me. I was like, damn I was funny and where the hell that funny girl has been missing?!!
Masuk bakul angkat sendiri, I know. -___-"
I know that as of late I sound so serious and tense. Even the kakak urut at the spa and my SIL said the same thing. I got this huge muscle knot at my right shoulder that if you touched it, people might assume that it's the shoulder bone but it's not. It's a tense muscle and no surprise because I've been under so much stress lately. Work stress mainly. Been looking for new job for almost a year but still not fruitful. Been constantly reminded that the rezeki will come, eventually. I admit that generally I have little patience and being a Type A doesn't really help much. Then I heard all these stories about "rezeki anak" and all that it got me thinking, perhaps I have to get pregnant in order to get a new job? But then, employers in Malaysia are known not to hire expecting employees, or at least it is in my field.
Which leaves me in a huge dilemma. And my lack of maternal instinct doesn't help much either. Lepas tu with our traveling plan this year lagi. I am so looking forward to the SGN trip in September and the SIN trip in December, backpackers style. And I get to wear my Jack Purcell again, so excited! See, I get more excited about Converse than diapers and EBM. How to become a mother like that?
But I do know that I want kids, eventually. It's just that at times I feel like I am not ready. And the uncertainty is killing me! And oh, have you not look at baby stuffs/checklist and its price? I seriously cannot comprehend how someone so little can have so many needs, an expensive needs! Tu baru a baby! Can you imagine the needs of a toddler or pre-schooler? Then the usual check-ups, the delivery cost, the antenatal class and the whatsnot is really making me out of breath. It's like the more I am trying to prepare myself for motherhood, the scarier it looks to me.
I am scared and really, I kid you not.